These three words have somehow become a part of my vocabulary since working for Fearless Vixen. Even before, oftentimes I found myself telling myself that I NEED TO CHANGE MY GAME.
I thought I needed to go out with my friends more often and do things that only involve me since after getting married and having kids, I felt that my life revolved around family life. (Don’t get me wrong, I love being around my husband and taking care) . But, I thought my reinvention was about me being someone different than who I am. But after months of thinking and deliberating, I came to the conclusion that what I was missing was my old self.
Ten years ago, after getting married, I “unconsciously” limited myself to what I could do. For example, I used to be a techie, meaning that I could fix my desktop just by following instructions I found on the internet etc. However, after getting married to my husband, who is a computer engineer, I stopped being “techie” and just depended on him for those things. And, I stopped taking care of myself, I stopped doing my nightly routine of facial wash and night creams. I stopped watching what I ate and started to gain weight, telling myself that it was okay to let myself go because I was a busy mother and gaining weight is a normal part of the life of a mom.
I let all these excuses dictate who I should be and in return, I grew insecure and unhappy.
There are times that I just cried because I don’t like the person that looks back at me in the mirror (queue in Mulan’s Reflection). I didn’t like the person that I had become. I felt as though I had lost my confidence and my independence. I had lost the real ME.
I lost the confident, outgoing and fun ME all because my thinking became limited. I thought that the people that surrounded me would complete me and make me feel fulfilled. I needed their validation. I learned for myself that even when I am surrounded by love and support I still feel incomplete because a part of me is missing.
Now, I am doing things to make me feel my old self again (baby steps). I am starting to take care of myself again by bringing back my night routines and wearing make-up. But most importantly, I am now starting to be less dependent on my husband. I am learning again how to explore my interests, passions, and desires on my own.
It’s not easy and there are times that I just want to listen to that voice inside my head that has limited me but nope,
I choose to go on and find my completeness by being the version of me that I once knew. Only this time, aside from the confidence and independence, I am equipped with life experiences and lessons that will help me be the best version of myself.
If you have a similar experience let me know in the comments below or on our Facebook page.
Thanks for reading,